Wednesday, January 13, 2010

What I wrote

I am new to blogging and thus find I do not have the discussions that more established blogs have going on. That's fine... I am boaring and blogging is a baby step sort of thig. Anyway, as paper wedding day draws nearer it has me thining about the big day in Septemeber too. That has me thinking about how much I miss my best friend since November and if we will ever recover from this fall. Here is the email I wrote to Meg over at She is a WELL established blogger and very thoughtful woman. In fact, most of the women who regularly read and respond to her posts seem to be "my kinda gals" to sound like my mother for a second. As I have more studying to do tonight I will leave you with the email I wrote to her and see if anyone here has anything to say. I want to prefice this all by saying that R is my dearest friend. I love her like a sister and that means sometimes I want to kill her. I will likely never stop loving her as my best friend so any advice along the lines of "you don't need her forget her...are appreciated in spirit but wholy unnecissary as I will be completely incapable of writing her off. That said, here is my letter.

Hi Meg,
My name is Anna and I am a recent blog reader writer. I am also a soon to be wed woman. I was wondering how to pose a question to the wedding blog gang and decided I would try emailing you directly. Maybe this has already been addressed and I just need to be pointed to the post. Maybe not. Anyway, my question is about best friends and things you say or don't say about their choice in partners. Here is the context first. I am engaged to a wonderful man and we live 3500miles away from my family and best friend. They have had a few small periods of "get to know ya" time over the two years we have been together. I was home this summer while my best friend had her first baby. She is a fantastic woman. Her husband has always and likely will always drive me insane. He is just not my cup of tea. He comes off as loud and immature at the wrong moments (like the birth of their first child). I spent two weeks with them leading up to the birth and he was a handful the whole time. He isn't the guy I would have chosen for R if it had been up to me. The thing is it wasn't left up to me. She says he makes her happy and that she loves being married to him. I believe her. So I love him because he makes my best friend in the whole world so happy.

This fall my fiancé and I hit a hard place in our relationship. I was freaked out and rattled on top of my baseline freaked state heading into finals for paramedic school. I called R in the middle of it all hoping for my friend to tell me to trust my gut and follow my heart and all the other things you are supposed to say to a friend going through a minor crisis. She took the opportunity to tell me that she "isn't crazy about G". She went on to say that she just wouldn't have chosen him for me, that she loves me so much she isn't sure there is anyone "good enough" for me but he "isn't it". I was devastated. I was already having my faith shaken and was questioning my judgment and now this? She told me that she just felt that way and that I had to swear that if G and I made it through this patch that I would forget that she ever said anything. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. The wind was totally knocked out of me. I agreed and said that I had to go. That was in November.

I am not angry. Mostly I am hurt. On top of that I feel like it sucked the fun out of my "wedding" planning, as she was to be my lady. I am not having attendants but as my best friend for the last 10 years she was going to be my right hand for wedding things (per her request upon learning of the engagement in July). I don't know what to do with this bomb I feel has been dropped in my lap. I want to call her but I don't know what to say. The last time we spoke I was in tears and now after several months of effort and some help from a therapist G and I are in love and happy and really looking forward to the wedding in the fall. I feel like she has condemned my relationship and I am not sure what I do now. Why is it that once you get engaged the world puts a higher price on struggles? I feel like people struggle and being engaged can sometimes exacerbate that struggle feeling and why should those of us who choose to deal with it promptly, with professional help instead of pretending we have it all under control, be made to feel like failures before we even reach the altar? Why does admitting to struggle become a point of no return after engagement? Beyond that, how do you move past a hurt and get back to the fun of the wedding stuff? What do you say when a friend doesn't approve of your intended and you're marrying him anyway?

There are a lot of questions in there I know. If you know of places that address any of these I would love a good point in the right direction. If you think any of them worthy discussion I would dig that too. As always, you facilitate such great discussions. It has been nice to feel that there are others running into some of the same issues and asking the same questions. Thanks for your presence out there in the bloggosphere.

Fitness day ???
Water Aerobics was AWESOME! 75min
No pilates

Tomorrow = more running
In other news I am down 3 more lbs! I do so terribly miss cheese though. Maybe taco salad tomorrow night with that only just palatable low fat cheese....


  1. Holy crap. I have so much to say about this.

    First point: You just don't do this. When a friend picks a partner and commits to them, you do not tell them that you don't believe in their worth as a partner. Totally unacceptable. I have all sorts of opinions about my friends choice of partners, and I'm happy to gripe to Brad about them. But that's it - the rest is none of my business. If he were hurting you, abusing you, mistreating you - this would be different. But saying 'I think he's not good enough for you'? All that does is hurt, especially when you know he's good enough (and more!) for you. And now you know, forever, what this dear friend thinks of G. Asking you to forget is just silly. You obviously can't. Nor should you.

    Second. G, not good enough? This kind, caring, smart, funny guy? This guy loves you, takes care of you, takes care of himself and his home. He has a kind and loving family? A career that he loves and works his ass off for? Financial stability and non-idoiocy? Obviously stupid in love with you and clearly willing to work to build a mature, adult relationship? I mean, obviously, I'm biased, and I think that G is freaking fantastic. But come on! Anyone who doesn't think that guy is good enough is missing some of the facts. A lot of them.

    Third. People have real trouble with issues. I think it's immaturity, honestly. Any marriage/ltr is going to be imperfect - someone won't always be on their best behavior, someone will need help with their big problems, someone will disconnect and need help reconnecting. Obviously, some problems are unfixable. But a lack of willingness to at least attempt to work through problems big and small shows a lack of understanding of adult relationships, imho. I am not always perfect. Neither is Brad. We make do. You and G will have more trouble down the road, and like adults, you'll work your butts off and overcome it. This is how adults work. It's ok.

    Clearly I could write a novel here. I am just horrified that such a close friend of yours would do you such wrong.

  2. I'm not sure that I have any advice for you, except to say that I understand. Back when JD and I were dating, my parents called me after 2 different visits to tell me that they thought he was horrible and mentally abusive to me, and certainly not good enough for me (My parents tend to beat around the bush and JD tends to be very straight forward, which doesn't go over well) :( It was crushing, as you know, and really shook me - I started overanalyzing everything, and I'm still VERY cautious about saying anything bad about JD to anyone.

    Anyways, while it changed my relationship with my family, and greatly damaged JD's relationship with my family (which was already damaged because of the issues that I have from them), I still love them, and they celebrated my engagement and wedding and were happy for me. It added to the stress, but things worked out.

    And, I am happy to help you with ANYTHING for your wedding! :-)