Saturday, January 23, 2010

Falling Behind

Getting back into the groove of school has proven harder than anticipated. I took my first quiz this week and got a B! This may seem crazy to the outsider but I don't get Bs in medic school. I am in medic school because I had too much fun in all the other school I have done and thus did not get into PA school the first time. I can't afford not to take this seriously. I have just been struggling getting back into the groove. It feels like there is so much to do that there is no way to get it done so why bother? Defeatist! I know. Anyway, this is my public declaration that it is time to lock it up and get serious again. I have come too far and paid too much money to F it up here.

In other news I am getting married in 3 days! OMG! I am so excited. I picked up The H2B's ring the other day and it was one more little piece of real. It felt so exciting. It was a beautiful day and we went to see Justine and her boy was there and we were all squishy and happy. I love that feeling. I hope I feel that way for the rest of my life. H2B and I both got new outfits and I am all excited to get dressed up and go to the pub with our buddies and "do this thing". Game ON!

This week was rough at school for another reason. I don't want to jeopardize the program or the university by being too specific so I will be vague. We had a lab experience where we practiced procedures and ran a true code. It was educational and awful. I did my best to keep my mind clear and focused on what I was there to learn but I spent a lot of time the weeks and days leading up to it practicing mindful reflection on all the elements of this event. There was a life on the table being offered so that I may learn and become a better provider when faced with the need to perform any of these skills in real life. I spent a great deal of time first, trying to decided if this was something I wanted to participate in and second, just how I intended to participate. I thought long and hard about participation and I came to think of it a lot like I think of eating meat. The life was going to end weather I was there or not. There would be no more damage done from me being there and in fact, there would only be more of us there to share what I have come to think of as the "Karmic Burden" for the ending of the life. I decided it was my responsibility to be there, to learn as much as I possibly could and to bear a respectful witness to the end of the life holding my awareness, compassion and gratitude out there. It was hard. It was so hard. The hardest part was remembering to stay totally engaged with the learning part and remembering to try my darnedest to learn every little thing I could. I can't really talk that much more about it as it is still upsetting and I don't really know what to say. Except, I was there and I am grateful for the chance to learn and I hope that someday, when I am faced with the need to use any of the skills I practiced that day I am ready and the life will have been worth it after all.

On the heels of that....I start my clinicals on Monday. Weeks ago my program director indicated that she was short several sites for students and I had said maybe I could get in at my hospital. I met some resistance and decided to let it drop. My director did not. She pushed and pushed and got me a spot here. I in turn was forwarded the letter she received from the head of Anesthesiology which stated "We are not happy about this. She will be sharing OR time and cases with another student and that will dilute the experience for both of them. We will make this exception this once but please do not think we will do this again." Holy SHIT! How am I supposed to go in and feel anything but scared and guilty after a letter like that?! I am freaked out enough without adding the whole "they don't want me there" part. Yikes! So, I have added LEARN EVERYTHING I CAN ABOUT INTUBATION AND THE PHARM AND MECHANICS SO THEY DON'T THINK I AM TOTALLY STUPID AND WAISTING THEIR TIME. Its a lot!

Needless to say dear friends I am at capacity. I am bursting and I think I will cry both tears of joy as well as tears of frustration in the next week. I will try to keep you posted short though they may be. Hang in there with me...root for me! I need all the help I can get.

Fitness Day 30+
I am still working out and still on the shrink. I have been behind on tracking the exactness but my pants fit differently and I am still a grand total of 8lbs down since December. Elaine has gotten me started on "Get-ups" and other than the possibly torn quad I am loving them. I spent 10min with weights and 35 on the eliptical last night. Water aerobics continues to be fun...It's all good. Oh yeah, and I ran 2 miles in 19min the other night. It felt great!

1 comment:

  1. Oh man, I remember when G first told me about that code experience. I was really, really upset about it, to say the least. I think he regretted telling me about it, thinking I'd turn into one of the people who makes a big fuss for the school. I understood the necessity, though, even though it's upsetting. I'd have an awfully hard time taking part in it myself, though.