The lyrics to an Ingrid Michaelson song seem to sum me up right now.

I don't believe in anything but myself
I don't believe in anything but myself
But then you opened up a door
You opened up a door
Now I start to believe in something else

But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?

And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won

And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
But it can be won.

I sit in the back of a bus watching the world grow old
Watching the world go by all by myself
I took a faith full leap and packed up all my things and all my love
And gave it to somebody else

But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?

And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won

And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
But it can be won.


I am not sure what the battle with my heart is right now but it is an unceasing battle. I feel sometimes like I am on the other side of a window watching everyone have a wonderful time. On the other side of the window the world is in color and the sounds are clear and vibrant. On my side of the window things are dingy and muted and my ears feel like they are stuffed with cotton. I feel like I have been drugged. I am slow and clumsy. I don't respond to things the way I used to. People around me are getting excited about things and I am sinking. I want so badly to be getting excited about internship and the wedding and everything beyond that but right now all I feel is frightened. I am frightened all the time. I feel like I walk around startled and sleepy all the time. I feel like shit. I feel like a shitty wife, a shitty sister, a shitty daughter, a shitty student, a shitty friend. I want to be excited but I feel like if I move too quickly I will shatter into a million pieces and I just can't spare the pieces. What is this? Where does this come from? When will it pass? I am not "depressed" as I am still so able to see the colors and appreciate all the good fortune in my life. I am fundamentally happy. I just can't reach it right now. It is so far away, on the other side of the glass.

I want to be here. I want to be present and awake. I am not. I am tired and scared. I am not available to G and I know he feels it. We went away on vacation and had a really nice time but I was off. I don't know where. I was just feeling disconnected and I had no idea how to tell him I felt like there had been an invasion of the body snatchers. I felt awkward and anxious in my own skin and I know it came off as irritated or uncomfortable with him. It was breaking my heart but I couldn't get ahead of it. I am just so ready to have my own mind and life back. I am ready to be the sunny, cheerful woman I self-identify with. I am ready to feel like myself again.

Anyway, right now running seems to be the only thing I am able to do without trauma or feeling upset. I am going to see an acupuncturist to help with the stress and the physical aches and pains of increasing my training. I feel like if I can just keep running I'll be OK. I do believe in myself. I just need to learn how to believe in myself with somebody else. I need to learn how to believe in this new incarnation of myself. That is not easily done. It is lucky I have G by my side to help hold my hand when things get scary.