The invites are coming! The invites are coming!

I am currently addressing and stickering about a zillion envelopes. I am feeling a lot of anxiety about it. Not about marrying the Hubbs but about pulling off the next 4 months. June to September is going to be the longest, fastest, most important stretch for me thus far (in life, the universe and everything). I just hope I can find ways to be present other than worrying. I heard that worrying is like praying for what you don't want....I don't want to do that. More sitting is required...Anyway, here are the invites. I think they are very sweet. I am proud to report that with the exception of the map envelopes (made from repurposed USGS maps and sold in bulk for a song), everything is from a local business. Pictures were taken at the local dive bar using a sharpie and some envelopes, the strips were printed at the local mom and pop print shop in St John ( Thank you Pilot Copy! ), the cards were acquired at a local printing press that does letter press. It continues to feel good and 'right' to use local, small, sustainable wherever possible. It is like the wedding is helping us warm up for the rest of our lives and living by the values we say we hold now. I like that feeling.

Can relief and dissappointment be coemergent?

I went on my run today and felt like crap. I could easily have been that it was blowing stink and raining and cold. My legs burned, my lungs felt tired and I wanted to stop the whole time. It was by all measures a sucky run. The good news was that I was meeting a friend to study and I was meeting her at the other end of my 4.5mi run. It meant I had to keep going. My keys and my phone were in my bag which was at the coffee shop. I survived my run and even managed to run more than I walked. I sat at the shop studying all day full of snot and sneezing and my body felt strange. My breasts hurt and I felt all weepy and anxious and strange. I couldn't put my finger on it but it has been going on for days now. Its a little insane actually as the weight loss had been reflected in the bra as well until last week when they seemed to double in size overnight and became achy. The real shit of the whole thing is that I have an IUD and thus, should not be getting pregnant according to the statistics as well as the shear infrequency of our sex life. It shouldn't be possible to get pregnant on once a week sex. That should be my pay off for not getting to see my husband more than one night a week. That one night should be risk free. Anyway, what I am saying is that I don't have the luxury (?) of periods to mark my non-pregnant state with the IUD so things are a lot less concrete than they were before. They are a lot better without the monthly exhaustion and cramping and bleeding and all of that glory, but it leaves things open for interpretation or speculation. I have a healthy stock of home pregnancy tests and take one every few months or so just to be sure or if I have a feeling or a scary dream...I'm insane I know!

Anyway, I am trying to say that I thought I was pregnant today. I just thought I should take a test anyway because I didn't feel right. I took a test as soon as I got home today and it is supposed to show a blue "control" line no matter what and a pink line if I was pregnant. This particular one showed the blue line and then the whole background turned pink. No pink line just all pink background. What the fuck does all pink mean!? Beyond that what the fuck am I going to do if I take another one and I am pregnant? I can't get pregnant right now. I really can't. I am about to quit my job for the summer for my internship and live completely off of Garth's support. I am having a WEDDING in SEPTEMBER! Oh my god! What the hell am I going to do? At the same time I got excited. Really excited about the thought of watching my body change and meeting a new little soul who is part G and part me, watching G become a dad and become comfortable with a tiny person who would grow into a little person and then a big person. I just can't wait for the day when we get to do all of that together. Now back to reality where I say NO NO NO NO! That is not my plan. My plan was/is to graduate and wait another 18months before even starting to try. That would put me about 2 years out from right now. That would hopefully get me enough time to have established myself at a job and in the field a little bit. I would be ready. I would be in the perfect time frame and age of 29. Ok, Ok, long story endless as my friend says...I peed again 40min later (damned bladder!)....and I am NOT pregnant. It was a relief...and a disappointment. I am not so secretly afraid that I won't be able to get pregnant. I sort of convinced myself that if I were pregnant, even if the timing sucks beyond sucks, it would mean I CAN get pregnant. I know that G would be wonderful and amazing if I had peed a tiny pink line. I know also that he was relieved to hear me say I am not. He is the most wonderful person I could have ever dared dream marry. He wants kids as badly as I do but we have a plan. We have a schedule for this stuff so we can keep moving towards what we both say we want in life both independently and together. I love our plan and am happy to not have to adjust everything to accommodate a little person right now but I was a little disappointed. I won't lie. So, with that, I will do a little yoga and head to bed.

I Am A Runner...Now and Forever

I ran my first Marathon ten years ago. I was seventeen and stubborn as a mule. My brother was 21 and that previous fall I stood by the side of a Detroit road and watched him run the Detroit Marathon. I had sort of chuckled as I watched the thousands of runners and their various paces and body types run by. "I could do a marathon. Doesn't look that hard". My parents sort of craned their heads and looked at me as if I had just seen Flo-jo run by and had challenged her to a race. "Ok, suuure" they said. I was not a runner. I had only ever run because I HAD to for gym class. Oh, yes, and my failed attempt to make friends in my new town in sixth grade by joining the cross country team. It was just the place for the chubby new girl who generally hated running. Anyway, upon returning home from the Detroit race I got on the computer and looked up training plans. I picked a race seven months away and set my sights. I ran and ran and ran. I started out slowly with short distances I would clock by driving them first in my mini-van. As I kept running and the distances got longer I began to find trails and places, some as far as 30min from home, where there were generous shoulders to the road and low traffic volume to run longer distances. My body ached and I still ran slowly. My parents got on board and began riding the bike along side me for my long weekend runs. Ten miles, fifteen miles, eighteen, twenty, twenty-three. My dad would tell me stories about the crazy things he and his gang of brothers did as kids. My mom would tell me about her misbegotten youth as well. It was fun. Rain, snow, discouraging aches and pains. I ran through it all. Spring came and one of my teachers from school who also happened to be a dear family friend also decided to run. It was perfect as my parents had long standing plans to be in France during my race. This was not problematic for me because "you already know what I look like running. And I promise I am going to finish so don't worry. You're not missing anything" was my attitude. Branson was running and so I could go to Traverse City with them and they would bring me home. The day came and the morning was beautiful. The course takes you along Grand Traverse Bay, down this beautiful peninsula. Every inch of the course was beautiful. The race started early and it was cool in the morning but it warmed up through the day and was down right hot by late morning. I was off and running. The dog had eaten just one of my running shoes so I had to order a new pair only 3 weeks before the race and was suffering the consequences of poorly broken in foot wear in the form of bleeding blisters in my arches from about mile eleven on. I kept running though. My brother had been in Costa Rica with a friend and was due back that day but I was very surprised to come over a rise in the course and see him standing out of the sun roof of his champagne colored Honda with sunglasses on and a Gatorade waiting for me. He was in flip flops and chinos but he ran along with me for about a mile. I was about eight miles out and it was clear that I was going to be the very last runner to finish. At this point a van pulls up along side me and a woman informs me that if I would like to get in the van she will take me to the finish line. WHAT?! QUIT?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! I have already run thousands of miles in training and nineteen of them today. I am not getting in that van. "No thanks." I said, "I'm good. I'm gonna keep running." And I did. I kept going. I think I was averaging about 15min/miles at this point. My feet were bleeding and I was sure I was dying inside. My teacher who had finished over an hour ago sent his wife out to find me on the course and Sara ran with me for a while. She was NOT a runner (yet) though now she runs marathons on a very regular basis. She was running next to me and the van lady circled around again. I politely ignored her this time. She informed me that I was going to go over the course time limit of four hours and aid stations were going to be closing up. I kept running. I got to the next aid station and found that all the people there were calling my number and ringing cow bells and cheering for me. At the next aid station someone yelled "Go Anna Hope" and it seems the crowd from the last station had joined this one and they had just two cups poured for me. There were two more stations and at each one the crowd was bigger and more excited. The van lady came by at one point and my brother told her "she's not getting in the van. Stop asking". I finished the race in 5hrs 31min. I averaged ten min/miles for the first eighteen miles and around fifteen min/miles for the rest of it. I finished though. Fifteen minutes after the last runner ahead of me. The most memorable part of the day was not crossing the finish line. It wasn't calling my folks and telling them I made it. The most memorable moment of the whole day and the whole marathon training experience came when Sarah and I were running along the lake, the hot sun on my drained body, Sarah turned to me and said "congratulations, you're a runner. You may never take another step for the rest of your life and you are still a runner." I will never forget that. I remember it all the time when things get tough. I remember that I DID that. Nobody can ever take that away. I am a runner. Broken feet, depression, changes in my body, or my schedule...none of it can take away that simple fact that I am a runner.
Yesterday the hubbs and I went to the woods of Forest Park for a run. I wasn't sure how far or how hard I was going to be able to go between the recent bronchitis and the formerly broken foot. I just wasn't sure. It didn't matter though. Once I got to the forest and let the dog off her leash it was all good. I struggled to get warmed up hacking and wheezing a little for the first fifteen minutes. On the way back I felt so good that I decided to push it a little and lengthened out my stride and picked it up a bit. It felt amazing. The hubbs commented that I had turned up the gas and he was happy to match my new pace. We ran faster than I have run in a very long time for the last mile all the way down the sloping back and forth of the forest. It felt like flying. My stress of the week and the coming weekend melted away. I was running. I hadn't run outside other than once since my injury in November. I was pleased to find everything working just the way it should. A 55min run was no sweat. I am a runner. Today, tomorrow, when I am a hundred years old. I am a runner.

Things That Give Me Wings

I have been sick for the last week. Sick like I have not been in a VERY long time if EVER. I can't remember ever, in my adult life, being so sick that I stayed in bed for an entire week and didn't get cabin fever. That was me last week. I had a bit of the slows on Thursday when the Hubbs was feeling under the weather and we went hiking in the muddy wonderful oregonian february spring. By the end of our night at the soaking pool I was feeling wiped out. I didn't even want to 'do it' and it had been about a week since Hubbs and I had been in the same bed at the same time. The next day I woke up feeling pretty puny and I puttered around before work coughing and feeling scratchy and icky throated. By about half-way through my shift I was wheezing, coughing and sweating. I took a gram of Tylenol and 800mg of Motrin and 3hrs later I had a fever of 101.3. That was enough for my charge nurse (mother of 5). She sent me home and I went quite easily. I was hacking my ass off. I would get really winded and breath fast and hack some more. The next night the Hubbs had to go to work and I was wilty on the sofa watching the olympics (perfect sick day viewing BTW!) I was breathing pretty fast just resting and around midnight I spoke to G and he called a friend of ours who was working in the county and just happened to be in the neighborhood, to come over (in her AMBULANCE)and check me out. I was breathing fast at about 30-40 times a min and my oxygen saturation and CO2 levels were normal. She gave me a nebulizer treatment and then got called out to a "real call". The Hubbs called and told me that he thought if I made it through the night and still felt shitty in the morning that he would take me to the quick care. I knew it was viral. I never once thought it WASN'T viral. I was scared though. I have never had asthma or anything else that would compromise my ability to breathe. I felt a little panicked that I couldn't get enough air all the time for about 4 days. It was worse if I had a coughing fit. There was so much pain with just breathing and it became SO much worse with coughing which I was doing almost constantly. I was MISERABLE. I was living in my shower sucking hot steam and eucaliptys. Sunday we went into the hospital. I was working pretty hard to breathe just walking from the car to the door but I begged the triage nurse to let me go to the "fast track" because I didn't want a full work up for chest pain and I knew that if I went to the main ED some over eager resident would order every test in the whole world and I would end up with an ECG and there was NO FRIGGIN WAY IN HELL that the tech on that day was going to see my boobs! Yep! That's how I felt. Silly or not. I knew I just needed a little chest x-ray to make sure it wasn't pneumonia and some NAR-CO-TICS! I needed to be sedated so I could finally sleep! I got just that. She didn't even offer me antibiotics and that was a good thing because I didn't need them. I needed sleep. Sleep. Sleeeeeep. A little phenergan and codiene later and 4 more days in bed and I am a 70% new woman. I am still coughing and still a little winded with exertion but I feel a lot better. We even did it...twice. Yeah, this may be TMI but G has been such an amaizing sport and has taken SUCH sweet care of me (including calling my mother to tell her about my trip to the doctor and delivering milkshakes and cup-o-noodle to me) he deserved to be jumped. I took my decongestant, took my advil, steamed as much crud as I could out of my lungs before he got home and jumped him. He was so happy both for the booty and for the sign that I was feeling better. I love my husband.

So, needless to say my exercise regiment has been a little non-existant. I did lose 7 pounds in fever and coughing. Next week I will start up with water aerobics and running and see how the lungs do. I am excited to be back in action after what was the longest week in my adult life in bed. I am totally behind in school but hour by hour I catch up and the work I am doing is getting me A's so its gonna be ok. The title image for this week came from the fact that as I sit here at work it was time for my redbull inorder to amp up enough to get through the project I am working on as well as the next 4 hours until morning. As I stared thinking about how I manage to make it from day to day the one constant is G. He makes my life possible right now. Paying bills, cleaning up after me, listening to my crap, bringing me food when I am sick, making me dinner while I study, snuggling me to sleep on the rare night that we are home together for bed and being eternally patient with my bad behavior, my short temper, my distracted mind. He loves me. It makes everything "do-able". He gives me wings. He is my melted cheese all the time. Tonight, as he is sleeping in a snow shelter up on Mt Hood, with the Search and Rescue kids doing snow training I am proud of him and proud to be his wife. He makes me want to try harder, be stronger, do more for other people. He is my inspiration.

This SUCKS!!!

I don't want to do school or work or ANYTHING right now! I just want to hang out with my husband and be married and happy and all hibernating in our newly wedded bliss! Instead I am at the kitchen table surrounded by PowerPoint's about heart disease and green tea and he is up the mountain at work. Waaaaahhh! I know I just knocked the honeymoon but I would KILL to be wearing flowing linen and drinking an umbrella drink like one of those douche bags in the travel mags or on the Knot.....Kill I tell you. Alas, it is not to be....tomorrow is another day in the OR....and so is the day after that. The day after that aka Wednesday...is a huge f-ing test in pharmacology as well as a major assignment due date in medical emergencies! Fuck Me!!!!!! I am tired and behind and having SO much trouble finding the motivation to do anything but run for the nearest airport and fly to Belize or Mexico...hell right now I would settle for Tampa Florida! Oh well, back to the heart and all the ways it can die....seems so unfitting since I feel like mine couldn't be more alive right now....Fascists!

PS...Spell check just corrected my spelling of Douche bag! I LOVE it!

Fitness Day 43.
Tried on my dress yesterday and almost cried! I am seeing results ladies and gents! It is working.
10min of Get ups
30min 400kCals on the eliptical

And Now We Share Two Last Names

I got married on Monday night. It was the best day of my life. However, before I jump into the description of the nuptials I have to preface it with a bit of context on the day as a whole.

We have established that I am in Paramedic school. I began my clinical rotations on Monday. Not just clinicals in general, but my OR rotation. This is the rotation where you humbly grovel at the feet of the ass kings known as anesthesiologists. I don't mean to bag on anesthesiologists as a people (he he "bag"...a little airway humor)...well ok, sure I am bagging on them as a population because they SUCK (for the most part). They are inept cellar dwellers who put people TO SLEEP as a profession. Most of them have the social graces of a glass of water. Actually, water is usually more refreshing. Anyway, there had been some scheduling snafu and my program director was left short several OR spots. I had said maybe I could get in at the hospital where I work...My director took off with this concept and began the long frustrating road to getting me a slot on what turned out to be a bloated student schedule in the OR. The day before I was to begin my rotation I received a forwarded email from the head of anesthesiology to my director. I paraphrase when I say it said they were frustrated and irritated to have to accommodate me, they will "never do this again", and it puts a major imposition on the other students down there. I got that email and panicked! Holy Shit! They don't want me and my director has begged and cajoled and there I am! F!

Needless to say I was very anxious on Monday morning. I walked into find the woman assigned to me was not there yet and when she finally arrived she didn't look me in the eye, didn't say anything to me, handed me an OR schedule with several check marks next to surgeries I assumed she thought I had a shot at and walked away. OK, I thought, I can handle this. I have been in tough spots before. I will smile and be kind and deferential and I WILL survive this day! I may not get any tubes out of it but I will not die of anxiety. Long story short, I got several tubes! The first doc recognized me and pulled me in right away. The second one recognized me as well and after quizzing me on bagging and preoxygenation he too let me place and ET tube in a pt. It was WAAAAAAAY COOOOOL! It is still frightening as I feel like at any moment they may say "Nope, you're clearly and idiot! Get out of here! Bugger off!" But the take home point is that that did NOT happen on Monday. Thus, I left the hospital (after working out) and headed out into the misty late afternoon of Oregon feeling preemptive shock for what had happened and what was to come in just a few hours.




I had told the hubbs that I was going to hit the store for flowers before coming home and as I walked in I must admit, I was NOT feeling very bridal. I was wearing scrubs and frankly felt exhausted after all the adrenalin of the day. I was wandering about the flowers and the young woman finally asked me if she could help. I wasn't sure. She asked what the occasion was and I said I was getting married tonight. "Oh my gosh! I have never done flowers for a wedding before!" She said clasping hands to heart. "It's cool" I said, "I have never been married before. We can figure this out together." And we did. She made me the sweetest bouquet of hyacinth (sitting on my night stand now still smelling like heaven) and 10 mini Gerber daisies that all looked different and hand painted. As she put things in order I ran in to fetch green tea and salad for the mister. I decided I wanted to give gifts to our small collection of buddies witnessing things. I wandered about for a while trying to decided. I settled on a gift bag containing Annie's mac and cheese and a gourmet chocolate bar. I went to check out and the guy ringing me up looked at me and asked "Do you really like Mac and Cheese?" I could have honestly replied yes! I do love it you know. However, I explained to him that I loved melted cheese and my theory about how it comforts and fills in the cracks in the soul like nothing else and I thought it to be the perfect gift of friendship. And chocolate...only freaks don't like chocolate and if they don't give it to someone else and make their day. Simple, but perfect. I told him "nobody is going to open the bag, see Annie's and chocolate and say Oh damn! I hate this shit." He had to agree. By this time I had received several hugs from perfect strangers and I was feeling more bridal by the moment as I walked to my car in the misting rain.

I went home and got dressed and we headed to the pub to meet our friends. We were almost the last to arrive and as soon as we walked in we both got nervous. I couldn't sit still. There were lots of hugs and kisses and thank yous exchanged. I was pretty sure I was going to explode. Hubbs was wicked nervous too. He couldn't stop pacing. Our friend Bear who was marrying us asked us if there was anything he didn't know that he needed to know. We both said no and looked at the other one for confirmation. As if we hadn't driven there together or something. Everyone was smiling and chatting politely. Somehow it was recommended that introductions be made. I still don't know how it happened but we all ended up going around the table saying our name, favorite flavor of ice cream, and what "brought us here tonight". It was priceless. My good friend Jen (not the get to know ya game sort of girl) looked like she had just been transplanted to a bar mitzvah on mars. But, being the big sister I never had she played along beautifully. It made the old outward bound instructor in me sooooo happy. Classic Me.



After the get to know ya circle Bear said some beautiful things about marriage, weddings, seeds and love. He seemed to have found just the right words to encircle what we are trying to do with the two step wedding thing. I can't quite put the words down here but maybe eventually I will stop cherishing them so dearly and will type them up. After Bear the Hubbs said some very sweet things to me about what he always thought his life would be like and how I was a perfect piece to the puzzle. I in turn, said some things back about how he makes perfect broccoli, leaves very sweet notes and how much I love him. I left out the part about him being the only person in the world who doesn't bug me as much as everyone else in the world (with only one or two exceptions) as there were other folks there and I didn't want anyone to take offense :) After "vows" we cheered, exchanged rings (his had fallen out of my pocket and was sitting in the grass by the side of the street! OMG close call!) ate some dinner and then cut the cupcake. Yes, cupcake. They were delicious!

After cupcakes there were stories of medicine, weddings, school, love, shenanigans and friendship. It was litter ally, the best night of my life. Friends took pictures and played silly songs on the juke box. Our friend Annett had collected beautiful glass jars for the wedding in September. I can't say that ALL of my people were there but somehow, the group that ended up at that table on Monday night was the perfect blend of people from the skeptic to the eternal optimist, the new friend to the life long one. It was a beautiful patchwork quilt of people who love us. I felt so happy and so special (just like everyone else). It was the perfect night.




I know that the wedding in September will not be the perfect day or weekend. There are too many people and variable for it to be a blissful and precious as 3 hours at a tiny pub on a Monday night. However, my sights are not set on perfection in September. My family will be there, my brother from far away and my in-laws from as close as downstairs will all be there. There will be weather and uncomfortable beds and people who bug one another. I am hoping for a majority of good time and a chance to stand up in front of my family bio and otherwise as say "I love this man. I choose him. We want to build a life and a family together and maybe help make the world a little better than it was before we got here. Help us, Help us in the hard time and help us celebrate the good times. We love you and we want you to know how much we love each other." Damn....that's not half bad for off the cuff. Anyway, Monday was wonderful. The Hubbs is still freaking out about the ring on his finger and I am still trying to wrap muscle memory around signing my new last name, but all in all I would say it is utter bliss.

Fitness day ???
I have been working on get ups, rocking the elliptical and tonight was water aerobics. I am still at 8lbs down but have recently noticed I am down an entire pant size not just barely but really down. Hip Hip Hooray!

OMG Today is THE Day!

Here we go folks! I am getting MARRIED IN about 12 hrs! First things first however, I have to go to the hospital and start my first day of clinicals in he OR hoping for some intubations. So much excitement! Wish me luck! I'll post more later. Off I go....

What I wrote

I am new to blogging and thus find I do not have the discussions that more established blogs have going on. That's fine... I am boaring and blogging is a baby step sort of thig. Anyway, as paper wedding day draws nearer it has me thining about the big day in Septemeber too. That has me thinking about how much I miss my best friend since November and if we will ever recover from this fall. Here is the email I wrote to Meg over at www.apracticalwedding.com. She is a WELL established blogger and very thoughtful woman. In fact, most of the women who regularly read and respond to her posts seem to be "my kinda gals" to sound like my mother for a second. As I have more studying to do tonight I will leave you with the email I wrote to her and see if anyone here has anything to say. I want to prefice this all by saying that R is my dearest friend. I love her like a sister and that means sometimes I want to kill her. I will likely never stop loving her as my best friend so any advice along the lines of "you don't need her forget her...are appreciated in spirit but wholy unnecissary as I will be completely incapable of writing her off. That said, here is my letter.

Hi Meg,
My name is Anna and I am a recent blog reader writer. I am also a soon to be wed woman. I was wondering how to pose a question to the wedding blog gang and decided I would try emailing you directly. Maybe this has already been addressed and I just need to be pointed to the post. Maybe not. Anyway, my question is about best friends and things you say or don't say about their choice in partners. Here is the context first. I am engaged to a wonderful man and we live 3500miles away from my family and best friend. They have had a few small periods of "get to know ya" time over the two years we have been together. I was home this summer while my best friend had her first baby. She is a fantastic woman. Her husband has always and likely will always drive me insane. He is just not my cup of tea. He comes off as loud and immature at the wrong moments (like the birth of their first child). I spent two weeks with them leading up to the birth and he was a handful the whole time. He isn't the guy I would have chosen for R if it had been up to me. The thing is it wasn't left up to me. She says he makes her happy and that she loves being married to him. I believe her. So I love him because he makes my best friend in the whole world so happy.

This fall my fiancé and I hit a hard place in our relationship. I was freaked out and rattled on top of my baseline freaked state heading into finals for paramedic school. I called R in the middle of it all hoping for my friend to tell me to trust my gut and follow my heart and all the other things you are supposed to say to a friend going through a minor crisis. She took the opportunity to tell me that she "isn't crazy about G". She went on to say that she just wouldn't have chosen him for me, that she loves me so much she isn't sure there is anyone "good enough" for me but he "isn't it". I was devastated. I was already having my faith shaken and was questioning my judgment and now this? She told me that she just felt that way and that I had to swear that if G and I made it through this patch that I would forget that she ever said anything. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. The wind was totally knocked out of me. I agreed and said that I had to go. That was in November.

I am not angry. Mostly I am hurt. On top of that I feel like it sucked the fun out of my "wedding" planning, as she was to be my lady. I am not having attendants but as my best friend for the last 10 years she was going to be my right hand for wedding things (per her request upon learning of the engagement in July). I don't know what to do with this bomb I feel has been dropped in my lap. I want to call her but I don't know what to say. The last time we spoke I was in tears and now after several months of effort and some help from a therapist G and I are in love and happy and really looking forward to the wedding in the fall. I feel like she has condemned my relationship and I am not sure what I do now. Why is it that once you get engaged the world puts a higher price on struggles? I feel like people struggle and being engaged can sometimes exacerbate that struggle feeling and why should those of us who choose to deal with it promptly, with professional help instead of pretending we have it all under control, be made to feel like failures before we even reach the altar? Why does admitting to struggle become a point of no return after engagement? Beyond that, how do you move past a hurt and get back to the fun of the wedding stuff? What do you say when a friend doesn't approve of your intended and you're marrying him anyway?


There are a lot of questions in there I know. If you know of places that address any of these I would love a good point in the right direction. If you think any of them worthy discussion I would dig that too. As always, you facilitate such great discussions. It has been nice to feel that there are others running into some of the same issues and asking the same questions. Thanks for your presence out there in the bloggosphere.


Fitness day ???
Water Aerobics was AWESOME! 75min
No pilates today...boo

Tomorrow = more running
In other news I am down 3 more lbs! I do so terribly miss cheese though. Maybe taco salad tomorrow night with that only just palatable low fat cheese....

A Paper Wedding Draws Near

In two weeks I will be married. I am getting excited about this. Really and truly excited. I was a little apprehensive until recently but I am starting to feel the butterflies of anticipation and giddy school girl nonsense that you are "supposed" to feel. In fact, I am sure it will be exactly like the picture above. Ha! Not. If all goes as projected I will spend the day in the OR learning how to intubate people and then around 3 when I am done I will head home and take a little power nap? Wishful thinking maybe. Then around 6 we will get dressed in our finest carharts and favorite skirt and head down to the brewery where we had our first date.

If you have never been to the PacNW you may not understand the brewery phenomenon and if you haven't been to North PDX you might not understand how cool Amnesia Brewing is. It is this funky little microbrewery where some guys who love brewing beer serve beer and sausages. They are under obligation to sell said sausages by the OLC who says "pub" means food and brew. Thus, these guys could really give a shit about the food they are all about the beer. So are we! It is great beer. Small batch, yum yum yum! They are just as happy if you walk next door and get pizza or down the block for Mexican and bring it back if it means they don't have to mess with the food.

Anyway, back to the wedding. We decided to make this a no family event as my peeps are so far away and we decided that if there was family it would change the very casual yet very special feel of the day and while we are so excited to have our families participate in the Quaker ceremony in September, we want this one to feel like it is just us starting out on our own as two individuals and not two siblings, children, cousins....etc. This is a little tricky as the Hubbs' sister lives with us. I am not sure yet how we are going to manage this one. I am sure she would say she understood and was fine with it, I just know that it would bum me out if my big brother had told me and then gone and done it without me. Thus, I think the tactic is one of telling after the fact. That way there is no regret of leaving someone out who feels left out. It really isn't about AKB at all, it is all about the shared desire to have part of the wedding that has nothing to do with our wonderful families and fully embracing our adulthood and the commitment we are about to make to one another. September is ALL about community and family and bridging two families with a new relationship. It is going to be great. This however is just ours.

We have some friends who have offered to be our witnesses and one friend in particular is traveling 200miles on a school night to be here for us. I am so grateful. Our friend Bear is marrying us and for that G and I both feel overwhelmed with gratitude. Bear is a good friend and the perfect person to officiate something off beat but serious like a wedding. The rest of the witnesses are friends from our EMS world. There are only 4 of them total but they are a crew who has seen the Hubbs and I through some difficult times internal and external and have now asked if they could come bear witness. I am joyful for this as the wedding wedding in Sept will be very small indeed. There will only be about 50 folks including us on Friday for the ceremony. The idea of standing up and declaring my love and intention to be his partner and love for the rest of our days in front of more than my most near and dear makes me want to vomit and die. As much as I loved the spotlight in theater as a kid my personal life is my own and being the center of attention on this special and emotional day is not something I wish to do in front of everyone I know. Somehow it seems like a private thing. Those big weddings on TV are cool but I would feel like I was standing in a swimsuit in time square.

Anywho, Hubbs and I are going to get the licence next Monday and the Monday after that we are tying the knot. I have ordered the ring from this wonderful artist who made mine. I wrote about her earlier. Singlebbeautiful on Etsy. She is making him a white gold band. It will match mine. I am just waiting for her to call and tell me it is ready. Something about seeing him wear a wedding ring has me totally excited. Little child on her birthday excited. Is it the symbol of the commitment? Is is the symbol that "Hey Ladies, this one is taken?". I am unclear but I do know that I can't wait to see the ring on his finger and kiss him for the first time as his wife. Even in spite of all my non-traditional behavior I am still a giddy mess when it comes down to it. I can hardly wait.

Fitness Today
Pilates 35min
Running That's right RUNNING! At lunch today. It felt pretty awful but I am ready to work through the fascia pain and get my running back on track. I ran about 30min today.

Tomorrow Water Aerobics!

Temper tantrums and snowventures

A view from Trillium Lake in spring/summer...there was a LOT more snow everywhere yesterday.

Today is my Sunday. At least for the next 2 weeks my school schedule leaves me with Mondays "off". I am still working Friday and Saturday nights so Sunday is mostly spent in bed swatting away the hubbs who is really only respecting my request that he get me up to do something together. Somehow I always seem to think that "sucking it up" will be easier than it feels in those first few moments, ok hours, of doing so.

None the less, yesterday we went up to the mountain to visit some friends and go for a snowventure. I had been crushed earlier in December when the broken paw prevented me from fully indulging my desire to get all wintry and hike in the snow on our vacation to the mountains way out east. Yesterday was awesome. In spite of the fact that upon getting up I proceeded to go off about how men are totally incapable of looking for things in a thorough manner. You see, we had not anticipated the snow trip when I had hit my double Friday (school all day followed by work all night...it sucks!). Thus, I had not organized my outdoor gear and honestly, had no idea where my rain/hiking pants had gone during the recent move. The Hubbs had agreed to look for my stuff and had 90% of it located when I "woke up". The 10% missing was sort of a big deal. It was my pants. I could have worn snow pants but a. I would have sweated my ass off b. They are minimally waterproof. Hubbs said he had looked and I believed him (it was true he had "looked"). I got upset and started ranting around the house about not being organized and how frustrated I was by having moved and still not knowing where important S*&T like outdoor gear was. I basically had a big fit. I had looked in the pit we call a garage, I had looked in the back of the goodwill mobile (AKA my car) and I was taking what I thought was a totally superfluous tour of the hall closet when Ta Da! There they were. The were even hanging on a GD hanger! My next move should have been to say "Yay! My pants! Now we can go to the snow! Let's hit the road." That was not my next move however, I went with the ever popular foot in mouth/head in ass tactic and ranted about how bad men are at looking for things.

I pointed out how many times in one week the Hubbs will stand infront of the fridge, door ajar, and say "Do we have any fill in the blank?" . This is almost always followed by my walking over and picking up said item and saying "Yes Honey, it's right here". This happens on a very regular basis. It's not really a problem because I am known to wait until the worst possible moment to ask him to do something like walk the dog or bring me coffee at work and he ALMOST always does whatever it is with a smile and a little kiss. I very rarely have to envoke the power of the boobs or any other such dirty and underhanded tactics so all in all I think we have a more than equitable relationship. The big difference is that Hubbs NEVER and I mean NEVER chastises me about my F-ups. He just helps me. He may roll eyes or whine a little but he never gives me the business for f-ing up. I need to be more like the hubbs in this respect I think. I am unsure it will ever happen as I am just wired with a shorter fuse for craziness than he is. I will continue to make efforts at extending my fuse however, I will not be holding my breath on this one. I hope his insides match the calm exterior and that he truly does manage to take my bull shit with a grain of salt. He never seems to lose it with me when I am badly behaved. Not saying I like being badly behaved. I actually hate it. I feel sort of embarrassed as it is NEVER as bad as I make it out to be in the middle of a fit. I am usually quite sorry and quick to apologize and take full responsibility for my crappy attitude. He usually looks at me, smiles angelically, kisses my forehead and says something to the effect of "Oh, my little rager, I love you. Even when you are bad. Because it is silly."

This is why I am marrying him folks. He totally and completely gets me. He even gets that sometimes I am not for him to get and thus he waits out the hailstorm and welcomes me down from the crazy tree when it is over, It is because of this that we are able to have a start of the day as described above, followed by snowshoeing out to a friend's cabin with other friends, followed by an AMAZING dinner and some laughter before trundling back down the mountain and snuggling in together only to stay up way too late making plans for the future. I love him. I think I'll keep him.

Day 25
Yesterday was 30min Eliptical 400kCal
Snowshoeing 2hrs 1800kCal

Today 20min Pilates
20min circuit training
Today was an exercise in going rough the motions as I was SORE! But hey I did it!

Back in the saddle? I think not!

Today is my second day back to school after holiday break. I am exhausted. I have trauma conference and M&M on Wednesday so the fun started at 5am so I had time to get my things together, run through the shower and pick up my buddy E so we could grab some coffee at the Evil Empire in the basement of the hospital and still hobble our way (well, I am the hobbler she walks just fine) up to the 12th floor or something awful like that in time for Dr Shriber to holler "settle down people! Lets get started!" promptly at 0700. I generally like trauma conference. There is almost always something cool to learn about even if the last case is almost always some boring ass general surgery blah blah about pancreatitis or something...filler usually. I just haven't been in the mood the last 2 days. I am a little fearful that I have lost my mojo. I was very focused and did very well last semester. I worked my ass off! Just ask the Hubbs....this was part of our problem. Anyway, I am feeling a little jaded and burned out on the University and how highly everyone thinks of themselves just for being there and breathing the air in the building. Yes, cool stuff happens there, great research and fantastic docs, nurses and *medics* come out of this program. I am just feeling like I don't want to be around arrogance and competitiveness right now. I am well aware that I must pull my head out of my ass, and quickly to get on track before I have to play catch up. I am just allowing myself this first week back to wallow a bit. I'm still going to do my drug studying tonight....but I'm not happy about it.

Things I am happy about include the fact that the Hubbs got the "invitations" done today. We have decided we want to be low paper and are using a "wedsite" (barf) for RSVPs and information. We went and took pics at our favorite dive bar's old timey photo booth and were holding signs that said "We're....Getting....Married....9/17/10". Not THE most original, I know, but us none the less and lets be honest, it's ALL been done at this point. Anyway, we did that back in Oh, I don't know September? August? I don't remember except that it was a long damned time ago and the picture has been taunting me from the fridge. The Hubbs took the picture to the locally owned mom and pop print shop and had copies made for something sick like 38 cents each! OMG 200 for about 25.00. Now, I just have to make write the letter that goes with the picture. Back to my court dammit! We will also be making about 20 "fancier" invites for some of the older family members who will expect that. I am fine making my grandparents happy. It doesn't take that much on my part.

Other things I am happy about include the book our "guy" gave us. It is called "The Five Love Languages". It is a book to help you learn what makes your partner feel most connected. Basically the languages are Physical touch, Positive Affirmations, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Quality time. I know what you may be thinking, "I don't need a book to tell me what does it for my partner...they like ___fill in the blank." I felt the same way. That said, I now have bimonthly appointments with a "guy" to help me build a better relationship for now and for the future and I think if we are all honest for a second anyone who has been in a long term gig knows that sometimes we fall into patterns of convenience or habit and we should stop every once in a while and ask ourselves if we do what we do because WE like it or like doing it...or if it is truly what our partner would choose. Like I said, I already have a "guy" so why not really look critically at my decisions. So what I found was that I LOVE love notes. They are my crack. Whats more is that getting them...tiny post its on my pillow saying "sorry we didn't see each other today, sleep well, I'll kiss you in the morning", make me want to do whatever it is that will make him feel as loved as that little square of paper makes me feel. The book has a test you take and you end up with a percentage breakdown of your affinity for the 5 categories. Its very simple and the author does not write too much into any of it. It is just a simple tool to reality check yourself and your actions. It has already sparked my heart in little new ways. Here is the cover.



The final straw in my very early, very long, sort of exhausting, yet happily smooth day was my good fortune in stumbling upon a water aerobics class tonight at the pool. I was feeling rather uninspired as I walked into the women's locker room and was met with the sight of 15 women my mother's age laughing and joking as they climbed into swimsuits. I was thinking "Oh, great. I just wanted to listen to my music and do my thing and go home", when one of the women looked at me and asked if I was there for water aerobics. I made a flash decision. "Sure am!" I said with a smile and I climbed into my own suit and before I knew it I was doing bicycles to show tunes and the best of the 90's. It was super fun. It was just what I needed. I think I may try to make it my new Wednesday night thing. Nothing like a little community to spark a girl's motivation.

Day 20.
Aquaerobics 60min
Walking 30min

I think its time to talk a little more about school as well as the upcoming paper wedding stay tuned!

Oh Happy Day!

This is a picture of me on the day I became Mrs Hubbs to be!
Today is fitness day 6! This morning was a leeetle rough what with the whole getting up to pilaticise with the SIL before she headed off to work at 0-dark-thirty. I went to the pool and decided 6 days was a long enough waiting period to weigh myself again. 4lbs down! Holy moly! I am suspicious of course. I know I have been putting in a solid 2 hours of working out daily and working hard to make good food choices. It hasn't been as hard as I had anticipated. I have found yummy foods that mostly I cut up and put on salads or eat a small nibble of after eating my good choice salad and drinking my water. It is nice to feel that I am not forbidden anything just taking notice of how MUCH of anything I am taking in. I will say that this week I have worked hard to avoid refined sugar and melted cheese as they are common trap foods for me and being tired and or overwrought leads me to go for those first instead of a swim or a walk or a salad. I am trying to break the habit in this first 2 weeks. My own south beach meets sugar busters method. I am a total sucker for fats, salts and sugar.

Anyway, enough about the diet exercise crusade. Today is a day to celebrate. I have had soooo much fun making Christmas prepairations today I can hardly stand it! After my trip to the pool today I came home and awoke the Hubbs from his "I work the night shift and thus nap like a tranqued baby during the day" nap. We peeled him out of the bed with the dogs and poured him into the car. We headed out to find a Christmas Ham...like every good Jewish family (His not mine). I had no idea where to find a good butcher shop in town so I did like a good modern child and Googled one. We arrived to find a dreary little store front covered in car Lot paint way out in one of the less savory parts of town. We walked in a were smack in the middle of a bustling little market where those behind the counter were running back and forth grabbing cuts of meat and whole turkeys and wrapping them up for those of us jockeying for position on the other side of the counter. We were standing back trying to get an idea of how the system here was working and were greeted by a large man with a chef's hat on offering us some home made BBQ sauce. The Hubbs does not speak New Jersey/Southern hybrid. I, being well versed in stranger talking, understood him just fine and launched into his life story. Long story short we walked out of there with a 13lb ham and an armful of BBQ sauces.

Next stop was TJ's where we stocked up on Prosecco and other tidbits with which to "Make Christmas". From there we hit the wine shop and 2 more grocery store. Upon returning home the Hubbs made dinner as I checked the final work out off the list for the day. We have since been working on putting things in order in the house for the arrival of the fams the day after tomorrow. Looking around tonight I had the realization that this will be the first big holiday where our families have come to our house. I am so excited. I LOVE our new house and look forward to sharing time here with those I love. Somehow it doesn't seem real until I share it with my loved ones and my mom and the Hubbs' folks definitely count.

I think the biggest reason for celebration today is the fun we had putting all of this stuff together. The Hubbs and I have struggled lately with my being in school and then the broken foot bent my nose a little out of joint. We have been working on getting reconnected and I think nothing does that like putting together a holiday. We are feeling all silly and happy and optimistic about the coming year. It is nice to be able to have so much fun doing things, largely for others today. I don't think I was ever truly in danger of forgetting but today I was reminded why I love him so much. He is my best friend. And with that thought, I am going to go help him make up the guest bed for my mother.