The all you can eat (way more than you want) buffett of life

Name that city.....

If you said Denver Colorado you'd be right! Now why, you may ask, have I posted a picture of Denver? Well its a math problem. I sat down yesterday to figure out when I would be done with my internship hours and thus, when I could take my national registry exam and to my horror I will be taking it to the last few weeks before the wedding. If I manage to get all of my calls in I could be done before September 5th. This means that sometime before Sept 5th I will be able to take my director's oral where I sit down with my medical director and he tests me on drugs and patient care and likely a few critical scenarios. Once that is done I get to go to the testing center and take my computer based written exam. As soon as THAT is done I can take my practical. This is the exam where you suspend common sense and logic and show the NREMT that you know how to read and memorize their often ass backwards way of doing something. It has very little correlation to how things are done on scene, in the back of the car or at the hospital but whatever, they write the test and I have to pass it to become a medic so I will learn to walk on water if they want me to.

You're still wondering what the hell this all has to do with Denver. Well, here it is. There are only so many practical exams offered every year. They are offered all over the nation. Oregon is in the fall. The late fall. I don't have time to wait until the late fall to try to get a job or to let the information atrophy in my mind. California is a favorite. Folks find a car pool buddy and a cheep hotel and hop on down to Cali to test all the time. Maine even has one in Bangor. I could shuck out the 5oo.00 to fly home and then there is no rental car, no hotel, just hanging out with my mom. The problem is the date of the test. California is all at the end of August and likely, before I will be done with everything. Maine is on graduation weekend and I can't really miss my own graduation. So, Colorado is testing in the beginning of September. They are testing 5 days before the wedding. FUUUUUUUHHHHHHCK! It appears to be my best and really only option. The flight is pretty cheep, I found a cheep hotel and a decent rental car. All together with the testing fee it would be somewhere in the 800.00 range. That beats the pants off of the 1200.00 range for California.

The Hubbs and I have done a lot of talking about the wisdom of testing 5 days before the wedding and it is what it is. In the grand scheme, I need a job. The wedding will be wonderful and I will learn to let go. I have worked too hard and too long to not take 100% crystal clear focus to my exam. I will just have to deal with the rest when I get home. I think my mother is going to want to kill me but it is what it is. It is time to test and time to apply for a job.

G was helping me talk through the logic and look critically at the options last night and he said, "I just want to make sure its not too much all at once." I laughed out loud. "Of course its too much!" I said. "This whole thing is too much. Trying to plan a wedding while in school is too much. Doing it while trying to buy a house is too much. Trying to move, pull off a wedding, intern and prep for the exam is ALL too much. THIS WHOLE COURT IS OUT OF ORDER!". We had a good laugh and he said "You're right this is insane. I just want you to have your head wrapped around it the best you can so that you have the best shot possible". Ladies and gentlemen, my husband. The very best guy you could ever hope to have at your side in a shit storm. I think I'll keep him.

And Then I Cried to My Teacher...

This term has had it's particular challenges. I am not sure why this term so much more than last term. Maybe the bloom of the rose was overtaken somewhat by the thorns. Maybe it's that I got married and spring came and all I want to do is go running in the green green world with my new husband and best friend. Maybe. Whatever the reason I feel like laziness plays a part. Maybe it is because I spent way too much of my undergrad not applying myself fully. Anyway, I have been working on this research paper. With the help of my mother's partner who is a fantastic research librarian I have a bunch of really great sources. I should have gotten more serious about all of this sooner but the week I had planned for it became sick as a dog on the couch week and I barely went pee, let alone worked on a paper. Anyway, I was behind and then all of the other stuff we have this semester started to pile up and I was waiting on sources to arrive and then bam! Here we are, finals are next week. Lab final was yesterday and I don't want to know what my score was on the written. I went down in flames! I am just glad that that class is a pass fail this term. I did well in class all term I just know this would have tanked me to a B instead of an A and sometimes just knowing that you passed is good enough.

So, I was just finished with one exam and getting ready for another when I walked in to hear everyone talking about the paper. I started to freak out. I realized that in spite of the fact that I was now up to date in all other areas I was totally in the weeds with this toxicology paper. I felt like shit. I looked at the schedule and realized that there was no way I was going to be able to spend the time I needed to on my EKG and pharmacology finals if I was trying to pull this paper out of my ass! Something was going to give and I was terrified it was going to be my EKG, pharm and I worked too hard to get B's in those classes. I called my instructor about the paper. He was trying to be helpful but told me to try to "power through" and just get it all done. That did not help. I know he has likely gotten fifteen other phone calls about this stuff and so his kindness and empathy are likely a little thin at this point, but "power through"? Really? C'mon! I was pissed off and freaked out. I went upstairs to my program director and was horrified to realize that I was crying and couldn't stop! I have, in my youth, used my "girl card" and attempted to cry my way out of things. It has been years and certainly not at all this year since I have pulled any of that. I tried to stop but Suzanne pulled me into her office and I was just leaking! I told her I had tried to call the instructor and told her he told me to triage and I told her how overwhelmed I felt and how I HAD to get A's in Kate's classes. She listened kindly and asked if I thought that being out sick had put me in this bind or if I had been ill prepaired. I told her I thought both had happened. I felt like I had been on track until I got sick and then I just felt like I was one legged and things were not getting done the way I had planned out. She told me that I was not the first person to come to her but I was the first person to accept total responsibility for the position I was in and so she was going to talk to my instructor and grant me a week's extension. I was relieved and embarrassed. I had cried to mommy and now she was going to fix things for me. Shit!

So, here I sit blogging....bad! I am packing up to hit a coffee shop with my friend to study for the day. I plan on working at the paper tonight after my most functional brain is burned out. This term is a nightmare! I can't wait for it to be over. I can't wait for a fresh start next term. I have said it before and I will continue to say that paramedic school at the University is the hardest thing I have ever done. And with that, I am off.

Fitness Day 88
Running 3.5mi to coffee shop!
Rest day yesteday.

I think I'll just cry about it.

I just got home from my 8 hr clinical shift where I was starting IVs and pushing medications and really getting into it. I have been having the best time ever in the Emeregency Department. I love my co-workers and their helpfulness in teaching me how to do things and how to do them better, I love talking to and helping patients. I love it all. I love starting IVs and I was SURE that was going to be the thing I hated. No, wrong! I hate the school part. I am so unhappy right now. I have never felt so unprepared ALL the freakin time. I feel like last term was hard and this one is Fucking Impossible. Pardon the french but holy shit! They have it piled so high and so deep I feel at times like there is no way to get it all done and they are just testing us to see if we can pick what is important and sacrifice the right stuff. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my undergrad when I was always behind for lack of effort until I realized it mattered and then it was too late....this time it just feels like it is too late all the damn time. I am wide awake with excitement from my shift (no, I drank no coffee) and I have a test in about 6 hours. I should have studied my butt off but I was at clinicals and I had three major papers to write this week. There aren't enough hours in the day and I wonder if any of these instructors have a clue what the others are ALSO asking of us?! F!!!!!!! Anyway, I am feeling well at least. I am ready to run again. I need to be working out again. I am aiming to hit up water aerobics tomorrow night but we shall see what time lab gets out. I can't wait for this term to be over but I also wish we had more time for all of this. I just feel like I am chest deep in the ocean and the waves keep coming closer and closer together. It is getting pretty grim in here!

This SUCKS!!!

I don't want to do school or work or ANYTHING right now! I just want to hang out with my husband and be married and happy and all hibernating in our newly wedded bliss! Instead I am at the kitchen table surrounded by PowerPoint's about heart disease and green tea and he is up the mountain at work. Waaaaahhh! I know I just knocked the honeymoon but I would KILL to be wearing flowing linen and drinking an umbrella drink like one of those douche bags in the travel mags or on the Knot.....Kill I tell you. Alas, it is not to be....tomorrow is another day in the OR....and so is the day after that. The day after that aka Wednesday...is a huge f-ing test in pharmacology as well as a major assignment due date in medical emergencies! Fuck Me!!!!!! I am tired and behind and having SO much trouble finding the motivation to do anything but run for the nearest airport and fly to Belize or Mexico...hell right now I would settle for Tampa Florida! Oh well, back to the heart and all the ways it can die....seems so unfitting since I feel like mine couldn't be more alive right now....Fascists!

PS...Spell check just corrected my spelling of Douche bag! I LOVE it!

Fitness Day 43.
Tried on my dress yesterday and almost cried! I am seeing results ladies and gents! It is working.
10min of Get ups
30min 400kCals on the eliptical

Time Flies When You Are Panic Stricken...

Are you interested in a fast paced career in Prehospital Emergency Medicine? Thinking about becoming a paramedic? Good choice!

However, boys and girls, before you can do this.....


You have to be this....

This is Baby Medic Sue and Baby Medic Tyson...just roll with me people.
These two wide eyed, white shirted, fresh faced babes are at the doorstep to their future. How exciting! Unfortunately, they have fallen prey to the "dorky-shirt-itis" of EMS education. Sue and Tyson live in Oregon so they are working on associates degrees in order to work as medics in the state. They have taken A&P, basic science, math and some sort of BS "health and fitness for life" class. They looked at all the various programs in the area and decided the University program looked like the best option as it was associated with the medical school, well respected and only a year! Woo hoo! Who doesn't love just one year when all the others make you do two? Sue and Tyson are stoked! They have their dorky uniforms all presses and their stethoscope at the ready. They are hungry to learn the business of saving lives!

What they didn't anticipate was that the "Sweet dude! It's only a year!", would become HOLY F-ing SHIT! It's only a year and it's almost half over! OMG I am supposed to start poking people and sticking tubes in places any minute now and I AM NOT READY! DEAR GOD, JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME!!!!

As you may have now gathered I am freaking out just a little bit. In fact a lotta bit! I am at work again tonight and I am taking care of a psychiatric patient who needed some labs drawn. Her nurse is a friend and knows I am mere days away from starting my clinical rotations. She offered me the chance to go in and draw labs. I have taken the phlebotomy class and am technically, able to draw blood here at work. I never do though! I have not yet taken the precious hours needed to get checked off by the phlebotomy Nazis in the lab. Who has a spare 20hrs?! Tyson and Sue do not! I don't either. So, that means that other than class, tonight was my very first stick. I thought I was pretty cool and collected. My buddy disagreed. Said I was all shaky and would have made her nervous. Not nice J! I thought I was chill. The pt was so busy telling me about her rum and coke habit that she didn't even flinch. It is the beginning.

So last term was hard core but do-able. I was (pardon my French) Balls to the Wall the entire time but I was doing well. This term is doubled up here in the first month since we will soon be spending 80% of our time out in hospitals and only 20% in the classroom. Thus, they are cramming in the extra 80% now....ouch! My brain hurts. In fact, as soon as I am done here I am on to cataloguing a myriad of respiratory diseases and sorting through the common presentations and signs and symptoms. Exciting, no? I will not belabor the point I am trying to make any further except to say I am excited, freaked, exhausted, in-love with it all and fed up to the teeth all at once. It is a rather euphoric feeling most of the time...sort of like taking cold medicine and then trying to stay awake and perform cognitive tasks. A little light headed and looped all the time. Maybe Sue Tyson and I need to go get a beer....

Fitness day 30
Wow! A month of efforts has yielded 8lbs total and I think a real change in my attitude towards food and exercise. I still LOVE melted cheese! I love it like oxygen. I love it almost as much as the Hubbs. I treated myself to melted cheese on toast this morning after the absolutely criminally long day yesterday. It was soooo good. But the thing is it's a treat now. Not a food group. I think about my fruits and veggies and make sure to eat breakfast. I have broken and supplemented some "diet food" for convenience sake. Special K protein snack bars in chocolate peanut butter only have 180 calories. I know this is technically a lot of calories when there are a zillion 100 calorie packs out there but riddle me this all ye dieters...are you EVER satisfied after one of those little packs? I'm not. I may even be hungrier. I always end up over eating if I under eat. Thus, 180 calories midway through my afternoon of school is just what I need to keep my focus and my blood sugar in the right place. I have also started using a knock off slim-fast shake for breakfast. All the vitamins and nutrients I need, protein, fiber, and its dirt simple. It even comes in a can that I can recycle. Viola! I eat breakfast now. On my own time without having to cram it in before I run out the door.

Last night I went to the gym and did my 30min on the Eliptical - 400cK
Today, I got up to spend a little time with the Hubbs before work and hit the gym for 10min of abs and another 30min/400cK on the machine. And I intend to do it again this morning before heading home to have brunch with the in-laws. I am all about eggs, cheese and bacon. I will have already earned it and hell, when it's once a month and not twice a week its OK. It's what we call moderation. Its what keeps us positive when the weight loss isn't as fast as we want but when we know we have been "good" to ourselves all week. A little melted cheese can do a world of good.

Temper tantrums and snowventures

A view from Trillium Lake in spring/summer...there was a LOT more snow everywhere yesterday.

Today is my Sunday. At least for the next 2 weeks my school schedule leaves me with Mondays "off". I am still working Friday and Saturday nights so Sunday is mostly spent in bed swatting away the hubbs who is really only respecting my request that he get me up to do something together. Somehow I always seem to think that "sucking it up" will be easier than it feels in those first few moments, ok hours, of doing so.

None the less, yesterday we went up to the mountain to visit some friends and go for a snowventure. I had been crushed earlier in December when the broken paw prevented me from fully indulging my desire to get all wintry and hike in the snow on our vacation to the mountains way out east. Yesterday was awesome. In spite of the fact that upon getting up I proceeded to go off about how men are totally incapable of looking for things in a thorough manner. You see, we had not anticipated the snow trip when I had hit my double Friday (school all day followed by work all night...it sucks!). Thus, I had not organized my outdoor gear and honestly, had no idea where my rain/hiking pants had gone during the recent move. The Hubbs had agreed to look for my stuff and had 90% of it located when I "woke up". The 10% missing was sort of a big deal. It was my pants. I could have worn snow pants but a. I would have sweated my ass off b. They are minimally waterproof. Hubbs said he had looked and I believed him (it was true he had "looked"). I got upset and started ranting around the house about not being organized and how frustrated I was by having moved and still not knowing where important S*&T like outdoor gear was. I basically had a big fit. I had looked in the pit we call a garage, I had looked in the back of the goodwill mobile (AKA my car) and I was taking what I thought was a totally superfluous tour of the hall closet when Ta Da! There they were. The were even hanging on a GD hanger! My next move should have been to say "Yay! My pants! Now we can go to the snow! Let's hit the road." That was not my next move however, I went with the ever popular foot in mouth/head in ass tactic and ranted about how bad men are at looking for things.

I pointed out how many times in one week the Hubbs will stand infront of the fridge, door ajar, and say "Do we have any fill in the blank?" . This is almost always followed by my walking over and picking up said item and saying "Yes Honey, it's right here". This happens on a very regular basis. It's not really a problem because I am known to wait until the worst possible moment to ask him to do something like walk the dog or bring me coffee at work and he ALMOST always does whatever it is with a smile and a little kiss. I very rarely have to envoke the power of the boobs or any other such dirty and underhanded tactics so all in all I think we have a more than equitable relationship. The big difference is that Hubbs NEVER and I mean NEVER chastises me about my F-ups. He just helps me. He may roll eyes or whine a little but he never gives me the business for f-ing up. I need to be more like the hubbs in this respect I think. I am unsure it will ever happen as I am just wired with a shorter fuse for craziness than he is. I will continue to make efforts at extending my fuse however, I will not be holding my breath on this one. I hope his insides match the calm exterior and that he truly does manage to take my bull shit with a grain of salt. He never seems to lose it with me when I am badly behaved. Not saying I like being badly behaved. I actually hate it. I feel sort of embarrassed as it is NEVER as bad as I make it out to be in the middle of a fit. I am usually quite sorry and quick to apologize and take full responsibility for my crappy attitude. He usually looks at me, smiles angelically, kisses my forehead and says something to the effect of "Oh, my little rager, I love you. Even when you are bad. Because it is silly."

This is why I am marrying him folks. He totally and completely gets me. He even gets that sometimes I am not for him to get and thus he waits out the hailstorm and welcomes me down from the crazy tree when it is over, It is because of this that we are able to have a start of the day as described above, followed by snowshoeing out to a friend's cabin with other friends, followed by an AMAZING dinner and some laughter before trundling back down the mountain and snuggling in together only to stay up way too late making plans for the future. I love him. I think I'll keep him.

Day 25
Yesterday was 30min Eliptical 400kCal
Snowshoeing 2hrs 1800kCal

Today 20min Pilates
20min circuit training
Today was an exercise in going rough the motions as I was SORE! But hey I did it!

He's too what?

When it comes to wedding planning and the obligatory worrying about details and time lines I have decided that Hubbs and I are best likened to these two chairs. He is comfortable and cozy. You could curl right up and take a nap. This chair is full of patience and seems like a nice place to just wait it out. I am not like that.


I am much more like this shaker ladder backed rocking chair. It is a fine place to knit or rock a baby to sleep. It is not someplace you pull your knees to your chest and take a nap. It is a classic (I too am a classic when it comes to wanting to have things a certain way and wanting more than anything to know when, why, how, how much and by whom). I hate not knowing.

Currently, the hubbs and I are trying to reschedule our "paper wedding". We are getting married before the actual wedding in September for many reasons. It started out as all about the health insurance as I will eventually lose mine through work when my clinicals are over and I start my externship taking me out of the ED and into the back of an ambulance for the final push of school. The cost of health insurance through school is so obscene that we decided that getting "paper married" so I could join his policy early was the best plan. The reasons seem to have multiplied from there. Several friends of ours did the wedding before the wedding thing and all of them are very glad they did. All of them claim to have felt like the paper wedding was a special time for just them that set them up to feel more excited and relaxed on the big day allowing for focus on friends and family and fun on the "Day".

Unfortunately the Hubbs and I hit a bit of black ice this fall and though we were slated to make it happen over my holiday break from school we decided to wait and spend some time really working on putting strong habits and tools in place so that we might weather the inevitable storms ahead with all the tools possible. Basically, we never fought, argued or struggled before this November. We didn't. Some couples say that but we really didn't. We struggled with the outside world sometimes and had to work through obstacles but they were always external obstacles and we always just stood back to back and worked it out together. This time it was different. There had been a breech in the fortress and I didn't know until it was too late that I was responsible for the severity of some of the contributing factors. My being so focused on school and grades had left Hubbs feeling a bit abandoned. He knew fundamentally, the reason for the long hours and stress and so he didn't want to put it on me to have to make it better. I want to say now that he did not go have an affair or anything profoundly stupid like that but there was a system failure. It was not pretty.

Anywhooo....I digress. So now we are trying to get the rescheduled paper wedding off the ground. Our dear friend who will be marrying us in Sept is going to be marrying us this time too. We have a few friends who will be joining us for beers and likely, I will have to get up and go to school the next day. I am excited about this. I want to know when this will be. My school schedule is about to get crazy with clinicals beginning in 2 weeks. I had really hoped to have all of this off my plate before I had to move onto clinical and honestly, planning a wedding. Our dear friend happens to be a lawyer and devoted husband and father to two beautiful daughters. This translates to busy and usually in deep doodoo with his wife already for having an impossible schedule without the added fun of trying to fit in a night at a bar marrying some friends in the middle of one of their busiest months. Basically we suck for him right now.

Tonight, on my way to work, Hubbs and I were talking about how we were going to pull this off and I was feeling more and more hopeless. I think sometimes I take his laid back, easy chair approach to things as a lack of concern, enthusiasm or commitment. He truly does not sweat the small stuff. That said sometimes I think he neglects to sweat the big stuff and it leaves me feeling panicked that if I don't do (fill in the blank), it won't get done. This is unfair of me for 97% of our lives. Our bills get paid, the dogs eat, laundry comes up from the basement and the rent check goes out on time. A Christmas tree even appeared and was decorated in the living room without my orchestration. I am a very lucky woman and in the relative sense I should shut my mouth and thank my lucky stars. I am not that kind of woman however, I am the open your big mouth and realize later that you should apologize kind of woman. I am also the type of woman who believes we are more than our gender roles and expectations of ourselves. I like to be challenged and am attracted to people who aspire to grow and learn continually. I also don't want to plan a dammed wedding by myself. Its not fun.

My best girls are on the other side of the country with brand new babies, off the coast of Japan on a navy ship doing anti-piracy actions, living their own freshly married or engaged lives or becoming DOCTORS. I don't have a lot of ladies near by and my mom lives at the other end of an entire day's travel to the other side of the country. There won't be showers and all of the traditional fuss. I am a little bit on my own here.

I have support from some new friends who have offered generously to help but I feel a little bit like there is nothing to help with yet as I don't know what I need to do. I DO know that we need invitations sent out. We need a photographer and we need speakers for the party. I also know that there will be a thousand other little things that I will need help with and won't have time for. What I want is a united front. I want to know what he thinks and wants and I want him to pick a few things from the ever expanding to do list without me having to melt down first. I want him to read my mind. He doesn't see the need to worry about this or that. He just trusts that it will happen and usually, it does. But this is our wedding and time is money in the WIC. Waiting can be the difference between yes and no or 300.00 vs 1,000.00. It sucks but its true.

So we had a long talk about how his chill attitude leaves me feeling a little psychotic and like I must nag to see results. He explained that my impatience leaves him feeling as though he wants to say not now just to teach me to wait. It all seems fair enough and nobody got upset. However, I do think its something to bring up next time we are with our "guy" Tim. I want to learn how to communicate better so that we get things done without nagging and I can chill out without him feeling the need to teach me a lesson in patience. Now that I have worked through all of this in blogland I think I see that this is all part of it. This dance of triggers and anxiety, patience and love is the dance of life. Weddings put all of that into a high powered magnifying glass and turns up the gain. In the grand scheme of life I think we do pretty well. I need to remember to keep wedding perspective and life perspective in their proper places.

Fittness Day 17
Eliptical 75min - 900kCal
Pilates 10min