Sunday, April 11, 2010

Waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love,
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again.

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

This is a very fitting song at the moment. I am waiting for my "real life" to begin. I am waiting to know where my internship will take me. I am waiting to test and waiting to get hired. I am waiting to throw a wedding. I am waiting to be thinner. I am waiting to apply for nursing school and to become a mother. I spend too much of my time waiting. I am actively trying to spend more time "being here now" and "forgetting about the past", as well as "letting the light shine in". I am happy beneath all of my impatience and anxiety. I have such a fortunate life. I am in love with my husband and his family almost as much as my own. Yet, I feel there is this huge pause.....right now. It sucks to feel trapped and like nothing is quite right when I know that everything is as it should be. I am pretty sure it is a lack of meditation exacerbating my foggy awareness of the "is-ness" of it all. I am just so ready and so excited for it all. It is hard to sit still. Sometimes I feel like the picture I am sitting behind a curtain until I finish my spelling homework and my vegetables.

Speaking of veggies...The Hubbs and I are getting a farm share with friends this summer. It will come from an Organic farm on a little island just outside of town. Each week, for 30 weeks, we will get fresh veggies and eggs from the farm. We will get potatoes, kale, salad greens, tomatoes, cukes, squash, corn, broccoli, and a host of other yummy things from the earth. I am really looking forward to the challenge of incorporating new veggies into our cooking routine. It will be my 3rd summer of Community Supported Agriculture (check out I am a huge fan of the idea of buying a share of the bounty of a local farm as a way to help 1.Pay the real cost of my food 2. support local small business and agriculture. We are sharing the share with our friends GW and KJ who are also in the wedding planning process and medical field. She is an RN and he is a RAT medic like the Hubbs. They are awesome. I wasn't sure if she and I were going to get along just because she seemed very "wholesome" and I got a vibe that made me wonder. Well boy, was I wrong! She is so funny and so cool. I love spending time with the two of them. They are quickly becoming our closest "couple" friends in town. It is nice that we live so close and have common interests (as well as senses of humor)I am beginning to feel like we are building our community here in NOPO and it makes me feel very "grown up" and happy.

My running is going really well. The hubbs and I went to the woods last week and ran ten miles. It is the first ten miler since I broke my foot at Seattle. It was hard. The first 3 were great. The next 2 were a little hard. Miles 6-7 were good. Mile 8 ok. Mile 9-9.75 SUCKED! I walked a lot. I was so done. I wanted to be teleported to the car. I wanted down hill and no more mud. I was toast. The last .25mile I flew. It was downhill and lovely. I cranked out everything I had. It felt good. Later that night we went to see the Waillin' Jennys in concert and then met friends for drinks at a swanky cocktail bar downtown. We followed it up by splitting a pulled pork sandwich from the food cart kingdom in the hubbs' old neighborhood. It was AWESOME. The next day I was sore. Aching all over, dear GOD who walks down STAIRS!!???!! My back ached and my R leg is inexplicably painful at the strangest of times. I was a little concerned about running Eugene in oh 3 weeks. So Friday I rested and went to acupuncture and then work that night. Saturday morning I laced up and hit the streets to run home. It wasn't the best run ever. In fact, I felt very fatigued but not all together surprised to be feeling that way. When I got home I did some simple yoga videos off of youtube before dying in my bed. I woke up feeling shockingly good! I am still feeling a little beat up at the end of this LONG night, but it all seems manageable. I am apprehensive but hopeful about this coming Tuesday as well. I have another crack at a ten. Between now and then I am going to run my 3.5miles home this morning, do my simple yoga, have breakfast with my in-laws, sleep with the hubbs for a few precious hours and get up and hit a yoga class. I think adding yoga to my weekly routine will help build strength where I need it and foster some awareness and calm in my mind as well as my body. Why does it seem like it was so much easier to just grit my way through this "distance runner" thing when I was 17? It is a struggle and a joy to be getting to know my body again through running and endurance training. I am learning how to listen and accommodate

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