Saturday, April 24, 2010

Going Home

Its official. In a month I am going home to Maine for an impromptu visit. If I could figure out how to post the pictures Rosebud sent me of the Otter I would show you and you would UNDERSTAND why I had to buy a plane ticket immediately. I am missing it. I am missing all of the important stuff. I am missing him learning to crawl and learning to talk. I missed him being little and snuggly. Now he is big and moving all over the place. By the time I get there he will be 10 months old and the pictures make it look like he is oh, so busy. I miss Rosebud too. I miss her like a breeze on a hot day. I miss her so much. I have had a lot of time to think about what she said to me and why. I have come to know that she said what she said because she loves me. She loved me enough to put it all on the line and tell me the truth about how she felt. That took a lot of love and some mighty big stones. Bigger than I have. I never told her that I don't love her husband and that I don't think he's good enough for her. I will never tell her that sometimes I think she has 4 sons. I will never say that because I love her and I see that she is happy and my saying that would only cause confusion. Not confusion of "Oh, did I choose the right partner or not?" Not "Did I make a huge mistake?" confusion. But confusion about my having her back and loving her unconditionally. There is enough disapproval in the world and in our families. There is enough doubt and struggle in everyday life without getting it from your best friend. It just shakes the bonds that hold your friendship together. It shook me. When she said "I just don't know if he is good enough for you". It broke my heart. I don't think I ever looked back after I decided that G was the one. Even when we had our rough spot this winter, I still knew to my bones that he was for me. The honest truth is that I cannot fathom living without him beside me. I know the world would keep turning and days would go by, I might even still have a happy life but it wouldn't be the same. Being with him is like wearing my favorite shirt everyday and never tiring of it. It always feels comfortable, it always fits just right, it always makes you feel like you look soooo good. That is what I feel like being married to the Hubbs. It is subtle but complete. I am better because he is here. So, even though my best friend doesn't see it yet, I don't need her to. I don't need anyone to honestly. It helps that I think my father really does, but even that isn't vital. I just know and that is enough. So, long story endless.....I am ready to go home. To sit and drink tea and hold the Otter. To watch him scramble around and to hear him laugh like a big boy. I am even ready to be around the Carpenter. And I will be grateful for every second I am there. I will feel blessed and fortunate. I will soak in the love I feel for all of them. I will walk by the ocean and let it tie knots in my hair. I will ride the ferry and look for beach glass with my mom or the Rosebud....I may even go by myself. I will practice just being with what is and being happy and still. I will pack my running shoes and run by the ocean...I can't wait.

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