Going Home

Its official. In a month I am going home to Maine for an impromptu visit. If I could figure out how to post the pictures Rosebud sent me of the Otter I would show you and you would UNDERSTAND why I had to buy a plane ticket immediately. I am missing it. I am missing all of the important stuff. I am missing him learning to crawl and learning to talk. I missed him being little and snuggly. Now he is big and moving all over the place. By the time I get there he will be 10 months old and the pictures make it look like he is oh, so busy. I miss Rosebud too. I miss her like a breeze on a hot day. I miss her so much. I have had a lot of time to think about what she said to me and why. I have come to know that she said what she said because she loves me. She loved me enough to put it all on the line and tell me the truth about how she felt. That took a lot of love and some mighty big stones. Bigger than I have. I never told her that I don't love her husband and that I don't think he's good enough for her. I will never tell her that sometimes I think she has 4 sons. I will never say that because I love her and I see that she is happy and my saying that would only cause confusion. Not confusion of "Oh, did I choose the right partner or not?" Not "Did I make a huge mistake?" confusion. But confusion about my having her back and loving her unconditionally. There is enough disapproval in the world and in our families. There is enough doubt and struggle in everyday life without getting it from your best friend. It just shakes the bonds that hold your friendship together. It shook me. When she said "I just don't know if he is good enough for you". It broke my heart. I don't think I ever looked back after I decided that G was the one. Even when we had our rough spot this winter, I still knew to my bones that he was for me. The honest truth is that I cannot fathom living without him beside me. I know the world would keep turning and days would go by, I might even still have a happy life but it wouldn't be the same. Being with him is like wearing my favorite shirt everyday and never tiring of it. It always feels comfortable, it always fits just right, it always makes you feel like you look soooo good. That is what I feel like being married to the Hubbs. It is subtle but complete. I am better because he is here. So, even though my best friend doesn't see it yet, I don't need her to. I don't need anyone to honestly. It helps that I think my father really does, but even that isn't vital. I just know and that is enough. So, long story endless.....I am ready to go home. To sit and drink tea and hold the Otter. To watch him scramble around and to hear him laugh like a big boy. I am even ready to be around the Carpenter. And I will be grateful for every second I am there. I will feel blessed and fortunate. I will soak in the love I feel for all of them. I will walk by the ocean and let it tie knots in my hair. I will ride the ferry and look for beach glass with my mom or the Rosebud....I may even go by myself. I will practice just being with what is and being happy and still. I will pack my running shoes and run by the ocean...I can't wait.

Little update about becoming littler

I am not sure how it has happened as I have taken a week off of running and have been eating more than my fair share of bacon and bread but I am down 3 more pounds! I am now officially down 17lbs since the start of all of this nonsense in December! Hooray! Now, if I could only get my body in the groove! I went for a 3 mile run tonight and was battling pain the whole time. I was taking it easy and then I realized that when I was running up hill and pushing it I felt better. So I started running hard for one block and then regular for one block and it started to loosen things up. I can't understand why but I was feeling much better at the end of 3.
I have been seeing the dreamiest of acupuncturists and when I went in yesterday he showed me that the left upper arm links to the right upper leg. He put about a thousand needles in my upper arm and then did the usual in my legs and feet and set me to 'steep'. My arm was jumping all over the place. My leg felt all jumpy too. He said I might feel sore in my arm the next day but that was normal. Well I do feel sore in my arm today and my leg does not feel better but I am in it for the long haul and had such success with my shins and the needles that I will give it a month's worth of treatments before I make a decision. I go back the day after tomorrow....we shall see. In the mean time I drink my green tea and grin about my meager gains and losses....

The invites are coming! The invites are coming!

I am currently addressing and stickering about a zillion envelopes. I am feeling a lot of anxiety about it. Not about marrying the Hubbs but about pulling off the next 4 months. June to September is going to be the longest, fastest, most important stretch for me thus far (in life, the universe and everything). I just hope I can find ways to be present other than worrying. I heard that worrying is like praying for what you don't want....I don't want to do that. More sitting is required...Anyway, here are the invites. I think they are very sweet. I am proud to report that with the exception of the map envelopes (made from repurposed USGS maps and sold in bulk for a song), everything is from a local business. Pictures were taken at the local dive bar using a sharpie and some envelopes, the strips were printed at the local mom and pop print shop in St John ( Thank you Pilot Copy! ), the cards were acquired at a local printing press that does letter press. It continues to feel good and 'right' to use local, small, sustainable wherever possible. It is like the wedding is helping us warm up for the rest of our lives and living by the values we say we hold now. I like that feeling.

Of pulled quads and exhaustion

I have been sleeping a LOT this week. It has been really nice. I was almost concerned about it, for a moment yesterday, but it passed and I went back to sleep. I remember how it felt to sleep after coming off an OB course. I would be so wiped out I would sleep for 19, 20, 23 hours. I wouldn't even wake up to pee. I don't recognize that same level of exhaustion in my body and mind right now but looking at what I have been asking of myself for the last 6.5months I am not shocked to find myself willing and able to sleep for hours on end and days on end. The running is adding to that for sure but also is helping me sleep a restful, lower anxiety sleep where I awake feeling refreshed and calmer. In addition, I am sure my narcolepsy is partly a coping mechanism for the anxiety I am feeling about the summer. It seems that when I do a yoga class or try to meditate it doesn't take long before I am fighting with all my will to stay awake. My massage lady Barbara said she knows that when she hits spots of deeply held tension sometimes folks just fall asleep. It makes sense as a coping mechanism. Sleep is a very nice avoidance method. Anyway, I am not struggling with the sleep thing as I am sure I need it. I am sure it is serving multiple functions for me right now and above all else, other than the fact that my bedroom is a total disaster, there is nothing I love more than snuggling in with my Hubbs and taking a nap.

I am not sure I have written about this but I feel "older" for sure. I remember being able to slog through just about anything when I was younger. I could run or hike or sail as hard as I wanted and I would be sore the next day but not injured. I have never battled "injury" the way I am now and it is frustrating. I am feeling motivated and ready to rock but my body is not keeping up with the program. My thigh really hurt yesterday. It felt so sharp and icky that I was afraid it was a bone issue and not soft tissue. It really hurt to have Barbara hammer on me today but it was also refreshing and encouraging to feel tension in some of those places. Its like proof that I am working hard. Sick I know.

I have chilled a bit on the baby quest. I must have been ovulating or something. I am starting to see that there are things I am focused on accomplishing first and marathons I want to run, trips to Africa I want to take. Things that will be very different with a tiny person or three. I have time. I am not "putting it off" but rather I am taking full advantage of the time I have right now to make the most of my "non-mom" time before it is gone forever. I still want it so badly I can taste it and I can't wait to see the Hubbs experience little ones but it is no longer the ONLY thing I can taste. I am beginning to taste the sweetness of us being just an "US" right now.

I am still planning to write about my whole desire to change focus and pursue a career as a Labor and Delivery RN. I just haven't gotten to it and I am not sure I have totally processed it in my bean yet. I am trying, as much as possible to be clear when I "blog". I am aware that this is a totally self indulgent process but none the less, I hate reading utter rambling....ANYWAY, that remains on the horizon.

Fitness Log: Day 116
Total lbs lost 14
Miles run 143.5
My weight loss is stalled currently but I am continuing to see positive changes in my body shape so I am doing my best not to fret about the poundage.

Waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love,
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again.

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

This is a very fitting song at the moment. I am waiting for my "real life" to begin. I am waiting to know where my internship will take me. I am waiting to test and waiting to get hired. I am waiting to throw a wedding. I am waiting to be thinner. I am waiting to apply for nursing school and to become a mother. I spend too much of my time waiting. I am actively trying to spend more time "being here now" and "forgetting about the past", as well as "letting the light shine in". I am happy beneath all of my impatience and anxiety. I have such a fortunate life. I am in love with my husband and his family almost as much as my own. Yet, I feel there is this huge pause.....right now. It sucks to feel trapped and like nothing is quite right when I know that everything is as it should be. I am pretty sure it is a lack of meditation exacerbating my foggy awareness of the "is-ness" of it all. I am just so ready and so excited for it all. It is hard to sit still. Sometimes I feel like the picture above...like I am sitting behind a curtain until I finish my spelling homework and my vegetables.

Speaking of veggies...The Hubbs and I are getting a farm share with friends this summer. It will come from an Organic farm on a little island just outside of town. Each week, for 30 weeks, we will get fresh veggies and eggs from the farm. We will get potatoes, kale, salad greens, tomatoes, cukes, squash, corn, broccoli, and a host of other yummy things from the earth. I am really looking forward to the challenge of incorporating new veggies into our cooking routine. It will be my 3rd summer of Community Supported Agriculture (check out http://www.sauvieislandorganics.com/). I am a huge fan of the idea of buying a share of the bounty of a local farm as a way to help 1.Pay the real cost of my food 2. support local small business and agriculture. We are sharing the share with our friends GW and KJ who are also in the wedding planning process and medical field. She is an RN and he is a RAT medic like the Hubbs. They are awesome. I wasn't sure if she and I were going to get along just because she seemed very "wholesome" and I got a vibe that made me wonder. Well boy, was I wrong! She is so funny and so cool. I love spending time with the two of them. They are quickly becoming our closest "couple" friends in town. It is nice that we live so close and have common interests (as well as senses of humor)I am beginning to feel like we are building our community here in NOPO and it makes me feel very "grown up" and happy.

My running is going really well. The hubbs and I went to the woods last week and ran ten miles. It is the first ten miler since I broke my foot at Seattle. It was hard. The first 3 were great. The next 2 were a little hard. Miles 6-7 were good. Mile 8 ok. Mile 9-9.75 SUCKED! I walked a lot. I was so done. I wanted to be teleported to the car. I wanted down hill and no more mud. I was toast. The last .25mile I flew. It was downhill and lovely. I cranked out everything I had. It felt good. Later that night we went to see the Waillin' Jennys in concert and then met friends for drinks at a swanky cocktail bar downtown. We followed it up by splitting a pulled pork sandwich from the food cart kingdom in the hubbs' old neighborhood. It was AWESOME. The next day I was sore. Aching all over, dear GOD who walks down STAIRS!!???!! My back ached and my R leg is inexplicably painful at the strangest of times. I was a little concerned about running Eugene in oh 3 weeks. So Friday I rested and went to acupuncture and then work that night. Saturday morning I laced up and hit the streets to run home. It wasn't the best run ever. In fact, I felt very fatigued but not all together surprised to be feeling that way. When I got home I did some simple yoga videos off of youtube before dying in my bed. I woke up feeling shockingly good! I am still feeling a little beat up at the end of this LONG night, but it all seems manageable. I am apprehensive but hopeful about this coming Tuesday as well. I have another crack at a ten. Between now and then I am going to run my 3.5miles home this morning, do my simple yoga, have breakfast with my in-laws, sleep with the hubbs for a few precious hours and get up and hit a yoga class. I think adding yoga to my weekly routine will help build strength where I need it and foster some awareness and calm in my mind as well as my body. Why does it seem like it was so much easier to just grit my way through this "distance runner" thing when I was 17? It is a struggle and a joy to be getting to know my body again through running and endurance training. I am learning how to listen and accommodate