This term has had it's particular challenges. I am not sure why this term so much more than last term. Maybe the bloom of the rose was overtaken somewhat by the thorns. Maybe it's that I got married and spring came and all I want to do is go running in the green green world with my new husband and best friend. Maybe. Whatever the reason I feel like laziness plays a part. Maybe it is because I spent way too much of my undergrad not applying myself fully. Anyway, I have been working on this research paper. With the help of my mother's partner who is a fantastic research librarian I have a bunch of really great sources. I should have gotten more serious about all of this sooner but the week I had planned for it became sick as a dog on the couch week and I barely went pee, let alone worked on a paper. Anyway, I was behind and then all of the other stuff we have this semester started to pile up and I was waiting on sources to arrive and then bam! Here we are, finals are next week. Lab final was yesterday and I don't want to know what my score was on the written. I went down in flames! I am just glad that that class is a pass fail this term. I did well in class all term I just know this would have tanked me to a B instead of an A and sometimes just knowing that you passed is good enough.
So, I was just finished with one exam and getting ready for another when I walked in to hear everyone talking about the paper. I started to freak out. I realized that in spite of the fact that I was now up to date in all other areas I was totally in the weeds with this toxicology paper. I felt like shit. I looked at the schedule and realized that there was no way I was going to be able to spend the time I needed to on my EKG and pharmacology finals if I was trying to pull this paper out of my ass! Something was going to give and I was terrified it was going to be my EKG, pharm and I worked too hard to get B's in those classes. I called my instructor about the paper. He was trying to be helpful but told me to try to "power through" and just get it all done. That did not help. I know he has likely gotten fifteen other phone calls about this stuff and so his kindness and empathy are likely a little thin at this point, but "power through"? Really? C'mon! I was pissed off and freaked out. I went upstairs to my program director and was horrified to realize that I was crying and couldn't stop! I have, in my youth, used my "girl card" and attempted to cry my way out of things. It has been years and certainly not at all this year since I have pulled any of that. I tried to stop but Suzanne pulled me into her office and I was just leaking! I told her I had tried to call the instructor and told her he told me to triage and I told her how overwhelmed I felt and how I HAD to get A's in Kate's classes. She listened kindly and asked if I thought that being out sick had put me in this bind or if I had been ill prepaired. I told her I thought both had happened. I felt like I had been on track until I got sick and then I just felt like I was one legged and things were not getting done the way I had planned out. She told me that I was not the first person to come to her but I was the first person to accept total responsibility for the position I was in and so she was going to talk to my instructor and grant me a week's extension. I was relieved and embarrassed. I had cried to mommy and now she was going to fix things for me. Shit!
So, here I sit blogging....bad! I am packing up to hit a coffee shop with my friend to study for the day. I plan on working at the paper tonight after my most functional brain is burned out. This term is a nightmare! I can't wait for it to be over. I can't wait for a fresh start next term. I have said it before and I will continue to say that paramedic school at the University is the hardest thing I have ever done. And with that, I am off.
Fitness Day 88
Running 3.5mi to coffee shop!
Rest day yesteday.