Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I am thinking of having these made for my parents. I got a FUCKING B+ in EKG2 this term. I suspect I will be seeing the same thing in pharmacology this term. I am so disappointed. I feel like I let myself down. One point! One god damned point! I know that if I had put in a little more effort I could have done it. I worked my ass off last term and finals were trying but they were not this hard. I just feel like a failure. I am here to get A's. I need them to move on to graduate school. I am so disappointed in myself. I wonder what the hell my problem is. Is it that I am not smart enough or that I don't want it badly enough? What the hell is going to happen to me? I feel like a mess. I feel like I am letting G down. He signed on to help me get a's so that I could go to PA school. I am not holding up my end of the bargain. I am having flashbacks to all the times I disappointed myself in my undergrad. I could talk myself into not doing anything. This time I have tried. I have made school almost my entire life. Last term, it was almost at the cost of my pending engagement. This term I tried to find some sort of balance and I got at least one B. if there had been lab grades there would be a lot of B's. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I am so upset. Like a heartbroken teenage girl. I just want to die. I am totally freaked out. I need to be one of the best. I am not saying this out of vanity or out of some type A motivation to be the best. I am saying this because I have been so average my whole life and average isn't going to work. Average got me rejected from eight PA programs a year and a half ago. I have tried and I have asked and I have been told that this is my best bet and I think I blew it. I feel like laying down and dying. I just hope I find a way to pick myself up and dust myself off so that I can rally for the next term. I have come too far and asked too much of those who love me to continue to fuck up. I really wish Rosie would call me back. I miss having a friend who knew me like she did. I don't need to be convinced that I am over reacting or that it's not the end of the world. I need someone to say they are sorry I feel so sad and that they love me anyway and things will look a little better in a little while. I feel so sad.